2009-06-16
From: Colonel Jack Mo
Comments: Hello all involved, let me thank you for attending this briefing. I specifically would like to thank those involved with the undertaking of this project, dick (Cheney), Super Mario, james saxon, Tails the Fox, Thorn the hedge and michell rosil. Were it not for their relentless devotion to this cause the wondrous device could have never been completed. As you all know, the purpose of this project was to determine the ultimate way to satisfy Nintendo NES owners. Although many legions of these NES owners exist, there have been startling reports of high numbers being terribly unsatisfied most or all of the time. Some in the new administration point to this as the catalyst in the slump of the current world economy. While that kind of data is currently unknown, we do know one thing: Nintendo NES owners need to be satisfied, and now. The fate of our union may depend on it! So how did we begin? Simple, we had to find out what was causing the dissatisfaction and remedy the situation. The first step was exhaustive and intensive voluntary research administered by our civilian workers. The entirety of North America (except Mexico) was canvassed by phone and door-to-door interview methods. The results were rather intriguing. We found out that nearly 71% of NES owners polled who said they rarely played video games were perfectly happy with their level of satisfaction. They make up 23% of the total pool of NES owners questioned and were classified as a non-priority. The 36% of respondents who classified themselves as "avid gamers" had strikingly different results. Just over 85% in this group admitted to chronic dissatisfaction and boredom. They also noted it was moderately affecting their "real lives" (if applicable). It seems after exhausting the short stack of fun games available for the Nintendo NES they were left with hundreds upon hundreds of terribly boring games! Now we were getting somewhere so we asked what was wrong with the games. Common responses included, but were not limited to, "they look stupid, like games for toddlers", "my guy is too small", "What's this supposed to be?" and "I don't know, it's just plain boring!". We then asked them if they'd heard of Sega. "Sega sucks" they said. We thought we may have hit a dead end but one inspired employee proposed a new question. "Have you ever PLAYED Sega?". We were taken aback by the results. Over 75% of them had never even played Sega! Another 13% had never even looked at it sideways! The answer for these poor souls was obvious. They needed Sega and they needed it now! But the remaining problem was the method of delivery. The vast majority of the subjects would only accept things that douche-bags told them were cool. What we needed were a shit-ton of douche-bags. Of course finding the bags was no problem but getting them to recommend Sega was the hard part. Eventually it all came down to a matter of money. The douche-bags had no problem flip-flopping as long as they were paid well. Unfortunately the scope of this project was too great and the costs too high to actually pay the douche-bags so they had to be eliminated. After their job had been completed of course. The loss of human life is saddening, but the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. It was worthwhile however, as the subjects took to Sega even stronger than we had hoped. With less than a 3% rejection rate, many involved with the project were already patting themselves on the back. But they were overlooking the remaining 41%. These would prove to be the toughest nuts to crack of all. On the surface the numbers for the 41% who classified themselves as "game-addicts" looked fantastic. They showed an astonishing 99% satisfaction rate as NES owners but this didn't seem plausible so we looked deeper. The first clue that something was amiss was their game lists. When asked to provide their 20 favorite Nintendo NES games, most faltered. Almost all returned game lists under well 20, some containing as few as three games! This was a major red flag as the same subjects reported Nintendo NES game collections with an average of 202 games per respondent! At this point we had dick (Cheney) analyze voice samples recorded from the telephone polling. It didn't take long for him to discover the problem. "They're lying" he said. "About the size of their game collections?" we asked. "No." he said solemnly. "About their satisfaction". Things had taken a drastic turn in a direction we were hoping to avoid. Nevertheless we all knew the course was set and quickly began working. dick (Cheney), Super Mario, james saxon, Tails the Fox, Thorn the hedge and michell rosil poured through the telephone and hardcopy poll information using specially designed psychological profiling techniques. The profiles of the top 1% of game-addicts polled were distilled and put on a top-secret list. They were then covertly kidnapped and brought back to the compound for testing. These subjects were born liars and we knew they would never willingly tell us what we wanted to know. With the aid of advanced military truth syrums and boring Nintendo NES games chosen randomly from the NES library, we put these maniacs into an advanced state of hypnosis so we could extract the information. We really thought we had seen and heard it all, but we had no idea. Under hypnosis subjects admitted earlier professions of NES satisfaction were untrue across the board. Most also admittied to hating Sega despite never having really played it. However the next revelation was unexpected. Even under hypnosis they unequivocally denied any possibility of ever being able to like Sega. Nintendo NES was ingrained in their brains. It was part of them. A dead end loomed much larger this time, there seemed to be a catch 22. They would only be happy with Nintendo NES no matter what even though the possibility of being satisfied by it was infinitesimal. The only hope lied in a new experimental, unreliable and dangerous technology: the brainscan. Initial results were highly disappointing. Only partial, fuzzy images could be seen and nothing made of them. Additionally, all subjects were being rendered brain-dead by the machine. This was extemely hard to determine at first beacuse we were dealing with Nintendo NES owners. Later when they enigmatically stopped breathing, autopsies showed the extensive brain damage, plus the brain damage we had caused by the brainscan. The combination of the two was causing death. Luckily an astute scientist suggested we use dick (Cheney)'s brain waves to calibrate the machine and try again. This time we were seeing much better, clearer images. Amazingly, the images provided were almost identical for every scan! They all showed the subjects rocking back and forth on their elbows and knees, playing Nintendo NES on a 13" television. The only difference was that some subjects were playing a game from the Super Mario Bros. series while others were playing one from a handful of other games. "What the hell does this mean?" we asked. "Those are the only good games for the system." dick (Cheney) answered. Since none of the subjacts had died this time, we were able to calibrate the brainscan to the waves of Super Mario and test again. But this time no new information. We calibrated to james saxon and tested, Tails the Fox and Thorn the hedge. Nothing new. We were all about to give up when dick (Cheney) yelled "It's working!". The last option we had, to calibrate the brainscan to michell rosil, worked perfectly. "It's coming in!" dick (Cheney) cried. Slowly but surely we saw the same image as before but becoming clearer and clearer. 13" television, NES gamer rocking back and forth on elbows and knees playing Castlevania. As it became even clearer we saw something we never expected. It was a sybian with a NES dogbone controller attached! Due to the demand by this 40%, the government decided to move forward on the production of this machine. Thanks to the relentless testing done by dick (Cheney), Super Mario, james saxon, Tails the Fox, Thorn the hedge and michell rosil, this life-saving machine has become reality. They took this design from concept to reality and continually tested it personally. Even when we said it was working perfectly they insisted on testing it more rigorously, over and over until they passed out from exhaustion. I also offer my condolences to the family of james saxon who died during this testing phase. He had come in after-hours for more tests and met with an unfortunate accident - he found out that three dogbone controllers were one too many. A round of applause everyone, dick (Cheney), Super Mario, james saxon, Tails the Fox, Thorn the hedge and michell rosil are the reason the sybian with a NES dogbone controller attached will be able to satisfy the decadent Nintendo NES fiends everywhere and hopefully right the economy!
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